Happy Birthday to Me!

I am thirty-nine years old today.

39!

I love my new age, which is an utter shock to me, considering I had aging issues since I was 15 years old.  (Long story, but last night my friend’s husband kept calling me 35 with a wink and a nod.  But I am happy to be at this point in life, so I stated over and over again, I am 39, and I am proud to own that number.)  I am deeply grateful to have been able to travel on 39 trips around the sun.

As I embark on my 40th trip, I want to try something new.  I need a new seat assignment.  Perhaps a move from passenger to pilot would do me some good.

Although I don’t mind approaching the BIG 4-0, there is work to be done before I get there.  For the past few weeks an idea has been ruminating in my mind:

What would it feel like to be completely me?

Throughout my life I have compromised and waited for the perfect opportunity.  I have worked hard, but failed to risk that final 3% of effort.  (I went to acting school, moved to LA, got my headshots, and never even went to an audition.  I finally got a literary agent interested in my book and failed to make adequate changes within her reasonable time frame….)  I have been patient.  I have paid my dues.

What am I waiting for?

By the time I am 40, I want to feel like I am living the life I always imagined.  Not a fantasy life, but living in the true authenticity of who I am.  I want my mistakes and struggles to be reflective of my weaknesses, not the failure to be all that I am.

Birthday presents are important, especially the ones we give ourselves.

This year I give myself permission to follow my inspirations wherever they may lead.  I give myself permission to fall flat on my face.  I give myself permission to invest in my ideas.  I give myself permission to walk through life with confidence.

And with those gifts come responsibilities.

I must walk with faith and live with honesty.

Now it is time to make a wish, blow out my candles, and follow that breath to the ends of the earth.

I am packed and ready for this most remarkable, fortieth trip around the sun.