If there was one piece of wisdom I could give new moms, regardless of their parenting style and child-rearing choices, it is this:
There’s still time.
It is so easy to get caught up in the momentum of motherhood. Pregnancy builds and builds to a crescendo, only to be topped by the arduous work of labor: push, push, pushing to birth, then rather than a break to marvel at the miracle of life, you realize that everything you just experienced, everything that nearly broke you, pushed you beyond your limits was just a warm-up act. The real adventure is just beginning.
It is easy to forget to breathe, and after labor nobody reminds you.
When Max was born my mother told me, “These next few years are the years you will probably look back on the whole rest of your life. The time when your babies are babies.” Those words rang true in my heart and I’m deeply grateful for that wisdom. It enabled me to give myself permission to cherish this time.
The growth of children is bittersweet. Each moment they are getting older which eventually means they are getting farther and farther out of your grasp. Part of you wants to hold on tight. Pictures, videos and boxes full of outgrown clothes are treasured as if they can capture the magic of this time. Sadly, we know they can only remind us of what no longer is. Ah, but the sweetness of victory: baby’s first smile, flint of recognition at your face, sitting up, standing, walking, making a real friend…! Being a daily witness to their growth is the best seat in life. Oh how hard it is not to fit the puzzle pieces together for a toddler! But patience is rewarded by the sheer joy on his face when his chubby fingers finally figure it out. Upon Max’s birth I was given a congratulatory card that said, Grow Max, Grow! As it should be.
In order to truly savor these most precious years of your life, it is important to remember that it is OK to put the rest of your life on hold. There’s still time. These days our culture pushes new mothers to leap back into shape, work, date night, sex, and a social life as soon as possible. Why? What exactly is the rush? Take the long view of life. Balance doesn’t have to mean fitting everything in at one time. It can mean fitting everything in over time.
When Jack was born, Max turned 16 months old. A friend who had a five-month old marveled at how I could have two children so close together. “I feel like I just barely started to get time for myself, for my life,” she said. “How do you make room in your life for yourself with two under two?”
I answered her honestly, “I don’t.”
There were a few months when I had a newborn and a toddler and all I could do was hang on and tend to their needs. My wants, my interests, my goals, and even some of my actual needs were put on hold. The difference between being a new mom and a veteran mom was that I didn’t mind the sacrifice the second time around. I remember feeling like my friend: the pressure of defining your identity within the scope of motherhood, the panic of losing yourself in the shift, and the guilt over those feelings. By the time Jack was born, I had already reconciled my identity as a mom. I didn’t want to lose any moment of the time my babies’ babyhood to wishes that I could do more and be more than I knew I could.
I had a fabulous life before children full of travel, romance, parties and spiritual quests. I will have that time again. The immediacy of infanthood demands attention, but that calms down all too quickly. This time last year Jack was two weeks old. I was breastfeeding him round the the clock and cuddling Max in between feedings. It was a struggle to find time for me to bathe, let alone pursue a dream. Today Jack and Max team up to demand an extra banana at breakfast before they wiggle out of their highchairs to play trucks, and I’ve etched out time for mamaguru and a yoga practice. I’m so grateful that I didn’t waste those fleeting moments resenting their needs or pressuring myself to be anything more than a good mom. There is enough inherent pressure in accomplishing only that.
So, new mamas, here’s your permission pass:
It is OK to have your mom body for a year or two.
It is OK to wait months before having sex with your husband.
It is OK to not return phone calls for weeks at a time, or sometimes never.
It is OK to care less about your career.
It is OK to love, but not “date” your husband until both of you are well-rested, have extra cash and a baby-sitter you really trust.
It is OK to spend as much time as you want with your baby.
It is OK to use your baby as an excuse not to do something you don’t want or have the energy to do.
It is OK if all you talk about is your baby.
It is OK if a few years of your life are not all about you.
After all, there’s still time.
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