Insomnia

 

I am not a good sleeper; I’m too good at thinking.  My brain never stops.  It’s a problem with no real solution.  Every night I dot my wrists with lavender essential oil.  I turn on a white noise machine to drown out my husband’s snores.  I open a book and half-hope it’s boring.  Luckily my last book was awful and promptly ushered me into sleep for a good three weeks.  But alas, even boring books must end and, silly me, I chose a real page-turner this time around.

I mention this because, what were you doing at 4:36 this morning? 

Jack tangled in his blanket and woke me up at 3:30.  I tried and failed to sleep and started stressing about missing my early morning yoga practice.  You see, I am best at sleeping from the hours of 6-8 am.  I think if I only slept those two hours I could function perfectly well.  Unfortunately my babies wake between 6:30 and 7 and start chanting for bananas.  Literally.  They have to wait until 7, but then it’s go time until 7 pm.  If I want to practice yoga in peace, it needs to early. 

So, as I watch the clock tick away and I’m thinking about what I should write for mamaguru next and how I am going to afford our next home and which grocery store gets a visit from me tomorrow, an hour passes and I am more alert than ever.  I feel myself chugging towards disaster.  My mind will run, my body will cramp straight up until 6, and then I’ll have to skip yoga out of sheer exhaustion.

I got up, snuck out of my bedroom, lit three candles and began my practice.  At 4:36 am.

I used to practice at this odd hour when Max was a few months old.  I found that I could never really sleep after his 4 am feeding, so I would practice yoga or write.  Of course soon after I craftily carved out that time as useful, he dropped that feeding and I was left with restless sleep instead of productive time.  Life comes full circle.  I saw the blue light of a television and a small lamp on at my neighbor’s house as I prepared for practice.  They have a baby girl only five days old, so they’re part of this odd nightlife too.

Yoga was lovely today.  I intended to take it easy, but found I had more strength than I thought.  Throughout practice I kept waiting for Shavasana, the final pose of deep relaxation.  In my childless days,I used to revel in it, feeling blissed out of my body and mind.  Now that I’m a mom and need that relaxation more than ever, little voices or loud crashes tend to beckon me out of that state of peace before it begins.  Because I began my practice so early this morning, I looked forward to that undisturbed relaxation.  I even brought a snugly blanket thinking I might just get some z’s on the floor.

There I lay, on the floor, warm under my cozy throw, just about to complete my body scan when I hear my husband.  He is up early, must have a meeting I forgot about.  I hear him being quiet near the bedroom, trying not to disturb my slumber.  He comes into the kitchen and starts banging around.  Our kitchen is right next to my practice space.  Ugh!

I give up and get up, kiss him good morning and think, Really Universe?  Is this what you have for me today?  Really?

I return to my bed.  The babies stir.  It is now 6 am.  My mind rushes to things that are neither here nor there.  Here I am dreaming, when I should be sleeping.