This morning my children had doctor appointments at 8:30 and 8:45 am. Yesterday afternoon I called to confirm the times. We arrived at 8:26 and the office door was locked. A sinking feeling washed through me, and sure enough nobody showed up until 8:45, and even then the doctor wasn’t there. I put up a stink to hurry things along and found out there was a meeting at the other office across town (across rush hour in Miami) this morning.
Surely, there was never a possibility of my 8:30 appointment being on time.
At 9:15 the first kindergarten show of the year took place. That was when the office manager and the doctor finally arrived.
I expressed my anger and explained that they took away a moment that will never come back. People who are perpetually late often don’t appreciate that their actions can be anything more than an inconvenience to others. The office manager offered a sincere apology and tried to speed things along, although the show was out of the question at that point. It wasn’t a big show, just songs from circle time after chapel, but still. The doctor offered me an apology I don’t believe was sincere, but he said the right words in a decent tone of voice and was kind to my kids.
So, I let it go.
Just like that.
It shouldn’t be such a big deal to let go of an infuriating situation, but for me, it was. In the past it was hard for me to genuinely release anger when I was wronged. I’d ruminate over it. I’d fume. Although I didn’t regularly explode at others, I’d secretly spit fire inside of me or rage alone in my car. Deep breaths didn’t work. My brain could logically understand I should let something go and I might choose to forgive, but the anger inside me still clenched my heart and controlled my mind.
Today, I simply bounced back.
I was disappointed, but after I expressed my feelings and received apologies− which was the only thing they could do− I felt the burden flutter out of my chest, into the air, and out of sight. My shoulders dropped an inch, my face slackened, my breath became my own again.
It was a miracle. It was mediation.
I have meditated off and on for years, but last year I started a very serious practice of daily mediation and am now seeing results that knock my socks off. During times of stress people often turn to mediation, and it absolutely can help. But the real power of mediation comes from consistent practice, not just through trying times, but though all the seasons of life.
Has someone ever told you to just take a few deep breaths when you were upset, and all you really wanted to do was rip their head off? Even after those deep breaths, did you steep with rage?
A friend of mine was going through a nervous breakdown last summer, and I gently asked if she was open to meditation. She is a staunch atheist and I didn’t want to offend her. She answered yes and that she practiced it while walking past her neighbors (with whom she was feuding) by blocking them out with happy thoughts and deep breaths.
That’s not mediation.
Mediation is a practice that connects you on a daily with the core of your existence, which I believe is Divine. It’s tapping into pure love and utter peace. Over time, small practices, five or ten minutes a day, create a stronger sense of self. Mediation lays the inroads to peace of mind, compassion, gratitude, and the ability to choose your thoughts and emotions. Deep breaths and mindful thoughts are always a good choice during stressful situations, but to truly unlock the power of mediation, you have to cultivate a regular practice.
Today started out badly for me and I got angry.
Anger is OK, even unavoidable. Disappointment is also OK, also unavoidable. I passed through those states without losing touch with my core of wellbeing. Anger didn’t sweep me away and neither did the sadness of missing a precious moment of Jack’s childhood. Because I never let go my essential core, I was able to let go of those temporary states.
I bounced back because I never left.
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