Happy Birthday to Me

It’s my birthday!

I always like to take time to write in my journal about the year that just passed and the year ahead.  This is the first time I’m writing my thoughts on a computer, so it seems a bit strange.  I think I’ll break out my pen and beautiful notebook after this for my private ideas and that peaceful feeling of paper in my hands and a cup of coffee within reach.

I am happy today.  I was happy yesterday.  I will be happy tomorrow.

It has taken me thirty-odd years to reach that point of confidence in my own happiness.  I have had dark periods, low periods and lonely periods.  When my husband was my boyfriend he used to joke about my mood, calling me Desperate Gloom.  The truth of that description laughed the gloom right out of me.  Now that I think about it, my happiness didn’t take any time at all.  My happiness is a direct result of the profound contentment, utter peace, over-flowing joy and deep-rooted love that comes from my family.  People, not time, cure everything.

I come from a good family.  My mother is amazing and I grew up with an close-knit, loving extended family.  As wonderful as my birth family is, what I really needed to be happy was the creation of my own family.  It seems anti-feminist to say: I could never could have been truly happy without my husband and children, but I know that is the truth.  It’s not a prescription for others, but it was the miracle cure for me.  Andres.  Max.  Jack.   They are everything to me.  They are all I ever need.  They are the reason I know that I will always be happy for the rest of my life.  At times I will experience sadness, anger and grief, but underneath everything, I will be happy because of them.

Happy birthday to me.

My biggest accomplishment this year was the creation of mamaguru. (Sounds pretty cool, unless you compare it to the previous two years, which were, I created LIFE.)  Next year I hope to turn this into a great success, and I fully intend to get a book deal.  It has been deeply rewarding to find a platform for my ideas.  I feel like my whole life has been building towards this goal without my even realizing it.  Other smaller things that happened this year included getting my body 75% back in shape, finally mastering keeping my house clean and cultivating a daily spiritual practice.  The lowest point this year has been my continued health problems.  I am still struggling with them, but have managed to not let that bring me down emotionally.  The best surprise this year was an increase in friends.  I finally joined Facebook and reconnected with some deeply important childhood friends.  I also hijacked a few of my husband’s friends and genuinely made them my own.  I became friends with a mommy who lives on my block.  We have tea most afternoons and that gives me something great to look forward to all day. 

This neighbor, friend and fellow mommy, made me a cake today.  It was the first time I had a birthday cake in Miami.  (Don’t worry, my husband gives me great presents, time by myself and night out with him.  He just always seems to forget the confectionery side of this day.)  Anyway, it was really yummy and we ate it with our kiddos.  She forgot the candles, but I told her that doesn’t matter.  I already had my birthday candles. 

Everyday I get up before my family and light three candles for my meditation: one for Andres, one for Max, one for Jack.  I am sure that at some point there will be prayers and wishes attached to these candles, but not now.  I need nothing.  I almost want nothing.  I blow out those flames with the a breath full of life and say, “Thank you.”