I woke up early this morning.
I was so completely awake that I knew it was a gift. I had been given an hour of quiet before my family awoke. My first impulse was to come here, to mamaguru.com. I opened up a blank screen and had nothing to say. I don’t believe in writer’s block, but I had the sensation of being too full in one respect and too empty in another respect to write anything of value.
I caught my mistake and turned to a more natural form: my pen and journal. My best writing has never involved typing, but after a few words and I realized this too was a mistake. All I wrote was, I’m off….
That was the problem. I have welcomed new energy, new projects, new people and a new pace into my life recently. The newness both excites and apprehends me. It is a good transition, one marked by the growth of my children. They need and are able to explore more of the world. I am so happy to do that and relieved to break out of our monotony, but I haven’t quite adjusted my heart to the new tempo of our life. I find myself missing the quiet spots I used to find so predictably.
And so I turned.
In my home all rooms serve multiple purposes. The room where I write is also where I teach. This is also the art room for creating and the sacred place for yoga and meditation. I had come to the correct room, but not the right activity.
I pulled down my dusty meditation cushion, Buddha and two candles. I sat down and let my eyes half close.
That was it; I was home. The peace that overcame me was deeply powerful and utterly familiar. I used to feel it every time I practiced yoga, but motherhood means yoga interuptus and it’s rare that I have the time to bliss out on my mat. But there it was: peace effortlessly encompassing me.
I recalled a session I attended at a yoga conference a year and a half ago. My teacher suggested that perhaps my health problems were just the universe inviting me to deepen my spiritual practice. At the time, I had a strong yoga and meditation practice and I was feeling better than I had in years. Now, I have lost track of my meditation and my yoga is a bit sporadic. I have been feeling unwell and ill at ease. Was the early hour just that? Another invitation to nourish my heart and all that is sacred in the world?
These thoughts came to me only after a long period of silent being. When I opened my eyes, the dark morning was replaced by a pink sky and there was enough light to see my hands, still circled in their meditative mudra. My children woke up and Andres got them out of their beds.
Max came around the corner playing his musical triangle and we waited for Jack to blow out the candles.