Recommended Reading: The Way of Boys

The Way of Boys: Promoting the Social and Emotional Development of Young Boys by Anthony Rao and Michelle Seaton.

I stumbled on to this gem of a book at the library and have had such a hard time letting it go that I may be pictured on the library’s Most Wanted poster due to excessive fines.  Dr. Rao has a PhD in psychology from Vanderbilt, has trained residents at Children’s Hospital in Boston and has over twenty years of experience in working with young boys at Harvrad Medical School and his own practice, Behavioral Solutions.  He stumbled into his specialty, the development of young boys, by chance.  He started getting a lot of referrals from schools who were having problems with the behavior of boys.  Many of them were encouraged to be put on ADHD medications.  Dr. Rao’s assessments and treatments were both effective and contrary to the current trend of over-medicating children.  In this book he shares his enormous experience and expertise explaining the complexities in the development of boys.

This book provides essential insights into how best to help young boys succeed.  It is extraordinary how differently boys and girls develop.  Our current school structure tends to favor girls because of it’s emphasis on verbal proficiencies.  Boys develop at a much more uneven pace than girls and their proficiencies in motor skill are frequently overlooked and undervalued in schools.  Parents of boys as well as teachers and school administrators should read and implement the strategies offered in this book. 

What I Learned

The most striking thing for me about this book is Rao’s suggestion’s regarding discipline.  He shuns the typical Time-Out punishment and replaces it with an immediate consequence such as taking a toy away.  Only after taking the toy away do you state which rule that was broken.  This is the complete opposite of current trends of warnings and lectures, but in my house it has been very effective.  Giving a consequence garners the attention of a boy.  Keeping words simple makes it easier to understand and helps me in not escalating my frustration.  Ultimately kids already know the rules.  They don’t need to be warned that hitting is bad.  They need to feel the pain of a consequence to motivate them to make better choices. 

Time-Outs have never been very effective in my home, because rather than directing my energy and attention away from naughty behavior, they wind up getting more.  When Max used to run out of a Time Out, I would have to take him back and sometimes stand right near him all the while he yelled about it.  Rao suggests using a Time Away which is quite a different thing.  A Time Away is not a punishment.  The initial discipline is a more immediate consequence like a toy being taken away.  The Time Away is what you do when a tantrum ensues after the punishment.  Basically, you put the kid in their room and let them calm themselves down.  Once they are calm, they come to you and state the broken rule.  You ask him if he is calm enough to return and play nicely.  Then you congradulate him for completing a successful Time Away.  This is brilliant because it forces boys to learn the very difficult task of mastering their emotions.  It also helped me keep my emotions in check and refuse to get sucked into an argument. 

My Favorite Quote:

…The three basic tenants of parenting great boys (are): clear rules and boundaries; consequences before lectures; rewards for each milestone.  These work, and work well, because boys learn primarily by experience, and because boys remember experiences before words.  Young boys can’t just be told what to do; they need to beat their own path through boyhood and adolescence.  Sure, in many cases, that path is going to look a little uneven.  It’s going to show some cul de sacs and detours.  But most boys actually get to where they are going. (264)

There is so much useful and poignant information in this book.  Not only is it helpful and insightful in dealing with problems.  It is also celebratory of the glorious and unique qualities of boys.  These are our sons, not our problems, and it’s time we all start remembering that.  A must read!