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My Nana

Ten years ago I ignored my first cell phone ringing while in a dressing room at TJ Maxx.

I just knew.

And I thought, What do I do when I know for sure?  Do I keep trying on this pile of clothes?  Do I leave immediately and not buy this skirt that fits?  Do I cry or scream in shock?  Do I stand in line and act normal?

I couldn’t answer those questions, so I didn’t answer the phone.  I finished trying things on, made the line and drove a half an hour home.  There, looking out the windows of my treetop apartment, I sat down to hear the news I already knew.

Nana had passed.

It was sad and not sad.  She had suffered a long time.  Her end took an achingly long time to come.  Good-byes had been said and then she lingered.  How many times do you say a heart-felt farewell to a person you love?

For her, I was relieved.  For me, I was devastated.

Ten years later and I wish she could see my happy ending.  Nana was one of my best friends.  We had a very close relationship that I know is one of the greatest blessings of my life.  I confided in her like a girlfriend.  She was a quiet listener and offered carefully-worded advice only after I spilled the contents of my heart.  The last ten years of her life were an emotionally tumultuous time in mine and she knew all about my struggles. 

How I wish she could have met my husband and her great grandchildren!  How I wish she had the opportunity to say, I told you so, everything turned out alright.  How I wish we could have bonded as mothers and wives as we shared recipes and homemaking tips.  My sister tells me that I remind her of Nana.  It is the highest compliment. 

Isn’t it funny how it takes 20 years to turn ten, but only three blinks to go from 20 to 30 years old?

It seems like just yesterday we were laughing and sassing together, but this decade contained almost every important milestone of my life: marriage, children, home, happiness.

Nana’s brother, Leonard, passed away just a few weeks ago.  On my drive to Miami, I stayed with him in Alabama for a week and was struck by how he had my Nana’s eyes.

I believe in Heaven.  

My Nana is up there with the husband she lost long ago, the child she had to bury and now her brother.  I am still here on Earth with my husband and little ones, savoring every moment.

Even the ones which have passed.

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Rebecca says

    June 4, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    Thanks, Maria. I was very blessed with my grandparents. I’ve always thought they sort of balanced out the early loss of my father. I’m sorry that you weren’t able to have yours be a part of your life. The older I get the more I realize that nobody gets it all, but most of us get enough. Take care.

  2. Rebecca says

    June 4, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    Thanks, Beth. It’s such an old picture, but that’s how I remember her best.

  3. Elizabeth Marsch says

    June 4, 2012 at 12:02 am

    I love this picture of you and Nana. Her smile is so amazing, I can almost hear her throaty laugh 🙂

  4. Maria de los Angeles says

    June 3, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    So beautiful. God bless you, Nana and your loved ones. I never met my grandparents, Rebecca. You were very lucky.

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Hi there and welcome to Mamaguru! My name is Rebecca Cofiño and I created Mamaguru to help people live happier lives by living deliberately. It’s so easy to get caught in the hustle and bustle of busyness, and to feel like we never get the chance to live the life we really want.  As a working ...

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