Guess Who's Back? • Mamaguru

I’ve been feeling ambitious lately.

Blonde ambition, to be more precise.

Ever since I got pregnant with Max three years ago my looks have been on the ~~back burner~~. Strike that. They’ve been on the camping stove burner, buried somewhere in the garage or maybe my mother’s basement come to think of it. I did buy some cute maternity clothes, but for the most part I’ve been completely out of fashion, out of style. Basically, I’ve been a walking DON’T picture. Not only did I have two pregnancies back-to-back and a new autoimmune disorder, but the economic crisis that hit our country hit my family as well. Spending our limited resources on what honestly felt like a lost cause seemed stupid, so I didn’t. Didn’t buy new make-up, clothes, manicures or haircuts.

This was in sharp contrast from the year before I was pregnant which was also the year I was engaged. That year I was insane as many brides in their 30s are. I kept up manicures to show off my sparkling ring finger. And pedicures because my toes shouldn’t be jealous. I had my teeth bleached to hide my coffee addiction. I even had a few broken capillaries on my face lasered. The only clothes I bought were party dresses: engagement, shower and wedding. It all seemed, I’m embarrassed to admit, normal.

My adjustment to motherhood has involved sacrifices, small and large. Beauty was the first to go. I adopted a vision of myself as an Earth Mother Goddess and told myself it didn’t matter if I wasn’t primped and preened. Baby weight has been hard for me to lose in its entirety, so my fashion went down the tubes as well. My body lives in the what I call the No Clothes Zone. Maternity and nursing clothes are over, but my skinny clothes from my old self/life/identity (you pick) are too small. Because I keep planning on losing more weight, I resist buying new clothes I’m afraid won’t last. I’m not exaggerating. There are many days when I’m like, Hmm…what should I wear? Pants would be nice, but I wore them yesterday. Guess it’s underwear and a buttoned-down shirt today. It’s not like the hamper is full. Every other day is laundry day out of necessity. In between, I rotate looking like a stripper/refugee.

Here’s the problem: I’m vain. Let me be clear: I don’t have a problem with my vanity. It’s a part of who I am and, clearly, it’s too not extreme. My problem with my vanity is that I’ve been acting like I don’t have it. The truth is a good portion of my self esteem comes from looking good. This is the most photographed time of my life, and yet, I frequently feel embarrassed about the way I look in photos. In the past I got rid of unflattering shots, but that’s no longer an option. These are images of my babies; of course, I cherish them. Sometimes I see pictures of other mothers whose children are younger than mine and they look so thin, beautiful and pulled together, it makes me jealous. And confused. I just don’t know how they do it.

Back to my blonde ambition. I got highlights today! And a fabulous cut. My stylist said she can see new hairs growing back from my post-partum hair loss. A few days ago I went to a dermatologist who diagnosed my awful post-partum complexion as melasma and started me on a cream. In three months my skin will be back! This has bothered me to no end, because I’m now wearing a thicker foundation and you can still see the uneven tone. By the way, I bought that foundation a few weeks ago, along with a bunch of new cosmetics. Next week I’m buying a new bra and sandals. Hopefully, I’ll find something to wear over and on top of them, but if not, at least my refugee stripper look will come from the Spring 2011 collection.

I know this may sound silly and shallow, but taking time for beauty makes me happy. There is something underneath the surface stirring. Something that feels like me. And as my hair color lifts, lightens and brightens, that long buried part of me is lifting, lightening and brightening too.

To quote a Seinfeld episode, because yes, I am that old:

I’M BACK BABY! AND I’M LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT!