This past weekend I was delighted to speak at HeartCamp, South Florida, an unconference devoted to examining all matters of the heart.  My speech, How to Live a Deliberate Life, went beautifully and will become an ebook this spring or summer.  I will keep you updated, of course.

Besides being a wonderful opportunity to share my insights, HeartCamp was an incredible occasion for me to practice the art of listening.  After all, that is my single resolution for 2012: to become a better listener.  I heard people talk about overcoming terrible accidents, diseases and setbacks.  I heard people share their struggles and triumphs in figuring out the best way to live.  I heard people filling the room with their enthusiasm and inspiration, hoping it would reach others.

Most of all, I listened to how beautiful it is to be a human being.

We all bumble through our lives, though some people appear to be better poised than others.  Underneath every persona there is a person trying and learning to live life well.  Perhaps it was the casual unconference atmosphere, or perhaps it was a stellar collection of speakers, but I was touched by how open, vulnerable and honest most speakers were.  It was breathtaking.

Speaking in front of a group is not for everyone, but I wish it was.  I wish every human being could have a chance to tell a story about their life and have others listen.  Even an inelegant speaker has something important to share.  The act of listening, of sitting in silence with reverence to the ideas of another, is an exercise in respect.  The giving and receiving of that respect is something all human beings should experience from both perspectives.

I was struck, from the very first speech of the day with how hard we all try.  It is easy to see our fellow human beings in categories: the few we cherish, the others we like and the rest who get in our way.  But each individual life is deeply precious and equally valuable.  In our culture the idea of showing respect to everyone, not just our beloveds and kindred spirits, has fallen by the wayside, and that is a shame. 

Truly, a shame. 

We have so much to learn from one another. 

I was delighted to speak at HeartCamp, but I was honored to listen.

The most powerful speech is sometimes silence.

This is the beginning of my listening challenge and so, the first step to appreciating my ears is closing my mouth. 

Easier said than done. 

I came up with a few ideas to experiment with this month to help me with my goal.  Please try them out and let me know what you think.  I’ll share my thoughts in a few weeks.

 Seek quiet.

Our lives and minds are full of constant chatter these days.  We need to settle down in order to settle into our thoughts.  Hearing everything can mean listening to nothing.  When text alerts beep and the phone jingles and the television blares and in boxes do-wap, it is hard to hear anything but the cacophony.  Seeking quiet can be as simple as putting boundaries of electronic devises.

Quiet can also be found in small things.  A cup of tea, a bath, a walk, a book or a journal help bring my soul to a quieter state of being.  Quieting ourselves makes us more receptive listeners.   

Speak only when spoken to.

The old school admonishment for children offers a great way to practice being quiet.  Of course, the practicality of everyday life means this is not always possible.  While at work or taking care of children, silence may not always be wise, but during our downtime we can practice this.

By not speaking first, we let others pick the topic and guide the conversation.  It’s an act of letting go of control.  I don’t intend to act mute or monosyllabic during these talks, because the purpose is meaningful connection.  I just want to offer those around me the chance to direct the conversation.  I want to listen to not only to what they say, but what they want to talk about.  If they don’t say anything, I’m going to hear their need for quiet and respect it.   

Watch events unfold without offering an opinon.

It’s so hard to bite our tongues.  In fact, it hurts sometimes. 

I’m full of ideas and almost always have an opinion, even if I just thought of it on the spot.  Sound familiar?  Challenging myself to not share everything I think is going to be hard, but it is a necessary step in listening.  My way is not always the right way. 

By letting other people express themselves without offering a counterpoint, I’ll hear them better.  Even if I am right and they are wrong, it doesn’t matter in most situations.  People learn more from their mistakes than unsolicited advice.  Sitting back and watching what happens will teach my ego that I am not the sun. 

The world does not require my constant interjections.

Redirect the wandering mind.

I taught high school English for three years.  One of my greatest frustrations as a teacher was when my students ignored my instructions and then bombarded me with questions I had just covered.  This happened a lot when I was assigning a project.  As I was explaining the details, hands would shoot in the air and wave until acknowledged.  They wanted to know when it was due, how many grades it was worth, if they could use such-and-such materials?

As a rookie teacher I would get frustrated, lose my train of thought and wind up leaving out an important element of the instructions.  Once I got some experience, I began each lesson saying this:

I will explain everything to you in the best way that I know how.  Afterwards you may ask questions for clarity and I will be happy to answer them.  However, while I am explaining something you cannot ask me a question.  You cannot even think of a question, because as soon as you are thinking of one question, you stop listening.  You miss what I’m saying because your brain is focused on your idea.  If the question you ask at the end was already covered, I will not answer it.

This drove my students batty.  It’s challenging to let go of a question or thought, but if we are constantly obsessed with our own thoughts, we aren’t really listening to anybody but ourselves.  We miss information.  We miss opportunities to learn and connect.  We inadvertently insult those around us by our lack of attention.  Ultimately, communication fails, because listening is half of each interaction. 

Please comment with your ideas.  Can you think of another way to practice being quiet?  Are you going to try any of these yourself?

Please share; I’m listening.

I am a resolved individual. 

I approach my life with care, gusto and rolled up sleeves: I am here to work.

Not in the dreaded job sense, rather work in the sense of active engagement.  The blush, rush and flush from a great work-out.  The bliss, peace, kiss from a meditative work-in.  A better way of phrasing it may be:

I am here to be here.

Rather than dodging the new year’s promise of a fresh start, I jump in whole-heartidly, whole-bodily, whole spiritedly.  From the time I could pick up a pen, I have written pages of resolutions, keeping most.  Last year I shared my process and my secret list.

This year is no different, and yet it is.

As 2011 closes, one word keeps popping in mind.  It’s a challenge, an opportunity, an invitation, a risk, a scolding, a message, a promise, a totem.

…listen…

It will be my one and only change, my constant challenge, my sacred command.

…listen…

I have been professionally interviewed three times: once for a documentary, once for a print interview and once on the radio.  Each of these experiences left me witha strong sense of reverence.  Having someone take the time to listen to me and to explore my ideas validated me as a human being.  It was the deepest sign of respect I have ever received.

When someone bows to you, you must bow in kind.

I love National Public Radio.  In fact, I am an addict.  Listening to all sorts of people share their ideas has enlightened me to how much every single person has to teach each other.  Every person has a story to tell.  True, not all stories are great.  Not all lives are great.

But, the again, aren’t they?

One year is drawing to a close.  A leftover Christmas carol poses a question, and repeats its echo:

Do you hear what I hear?

Perhaps you have your own resolutions or staunchly oppose the practice.  Nevertheless, this is an invitation from me to you to learn the art of listening together.

Each month in 2012 mamaguru.com will explore a different aspect of listening.  From our inner voices to those of others, from silence to music, let’s take the time to hone one of our most important senses together.  I will share my exploration and ideas and I truly hope you will share yours through your comments and messages.  After all, I need to listen too.

Do you hear what I hear?

…listen…